I’m struggling today. My heart is heavy, and I am afraid, but I’m not sure of what, exactly.
Maybe it’s just that it’s overcast – the sky is grey and feels heavy.
Perhaps it’s the ongoing battles with my oldest. He’s so smart, and can be so sweet, and so good, but his temper is fiery, and his tongue is sharp. I don’t think he thinks about how badly his words can sting.
I’m stressed out. It’s all the normal stuff, money, time, work, etc. We’ve got some issues with the house that we’ve tried to ignore (like they’re just going to go away or something) that we realistically cannot continue to ignore.
I’m working my way through some personal decisions – things with my job, my Avon business, some church stuff. Nothing over the top, just little things, but my own lack of motivation is compounding them.
I am my own worst enemy – I am self-defeated before anyone else has the chance to beat me down. I look around my house, and see the chaos and mess, and I quit before I start. I look at the pile of work on my desk, and close my eyes.
And it’s stupid. All of it. Because I know that I am a strong, capable, powerful person. I’m good at what I do, and I love what I do, where my job is concerned. I’m not a perfect parent, but my children are healthy, loved and have a safe place to sleep at night, along with more crap than they know what to do with. I have a husband who loves me, and our children. I’m surrounded by family and friends, who I know would do anything in their power to help me.
But, stupid or not.
I’m feeling a little defeated today.
Maybe even a lot.