Awkward Conversation…

So, hey.

It’s not even tax season, and I’ve been REALLY not good at this for a little bit.

Even this feels sort of … awkward. Like when you run into that old friend or co-worker somewhere, and you’re standing there smiling like an idiot, and it’s all “Hey! How are you!” and they’re all “Great! How have you been!” and you’re all “Fantastic!” and it just… stops there.

That’s been the biggest part of why I’ve not been here. I’m just in this place right now where I feel like there isn’t really anything to say. Which is silly, because honestly? The last several months have been full of events and activities. We’ve had holidays and birthdays and deaths and …

and there should be something in all that to say.

but there isn’t.

              somehow, the words just aren’t there.

 

I think, if you all are willing to bear with me through it, I’m going to just keep showing up and writing, even if it’s not really anything special. Because eventually? The words will come back. And I’d like to be ready for them.

About loss...

The thing is, when you lose someone, it's hard to know what's next. You enter a season of unknown, a season where the slightest thing will make you cry, and things that are not remotely funny make you laugh. You are so twisted around emotionally, you find yourself lost.

I fill my time with "busy" - busy with the kids, busy with homework, busy with work, or making food that no one feels up to eating. Because busy means I'm not thinking. Not thinking means I'm not feeling. It means I can just shut it all off for a while.

But when the busy stops? That's when it gets hard. That's when the hurt comes. When the tears flow. When you find yourself hiding in the bathroom so the kids don't see you cry. You find yourself searching for something else to be the busy again so that the hurt goes away, or at least is buried deeply enough that you don't have to pay attention to it.

I'm looking forward to the angry part.

I handle angry much better than sad.

For today?

I'll stay busy.

Gold with Envy

I was never a girl who was in to pink anyway. These days, I have to really fight to not be bitter about it.

I don’t begrudge them their month. I’m even continually impressed by how many organizations step up and promote the pink.

It crushes me, however, to watch it push into September.

September is for the kids.

September is gold.

Where are those organizations when the kids are involved? Why isn’t my soup can gold, and why aren’t  my favorite receiver’s gloves gold, and where are the gold ribbon displays at the grocery, and the convenience store, and, well, dammit, where is the gold?

I see it here and there, in part because I am looking. Because much of my social network is looking, and we share the images. We celebrate the businesses that support the kids that are fighting. We hunt it out, the gold.

The pink? It’s everywhere. My emails are full of it, my stores are flooded with it. They’ve worked hard for that, and I know we all know someone who has been touched by breast cancer, but I know so many who have been touched by pediatric cancer! I know how drastically underfunded research is where the kids are concerned. I know what the ramifications can be of the limited treatment options that exist for our kids. I’ve seen the young athlete battling his way back from a wheelchair to a walker. I’ve seen the aspiring singer suffer such dramatic hearing loss.  I’ve visited the grave of a little girl who spent more of her short 10 years on this earth fighting cancer than she did living without it.

So, I try to not be bitter, I know that cancer is hard for anyone, but I cannot help but want the gold to be as recognizable as the pink. For it to be as supported as the pink.

I at least want it to get to use its whole month, without being crowded out by the pink….

The Juggler

I haven’t blogged in what feels like a million years.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, it’s far more that I have so much to say, and not a lot of time to say it with. Add to that the fact that I feel like I’m apologizing every time I show up here because I haven’t blogged in forever, and it’s getting sort of lame! So, no apologies.

I’m not going to apologize for living in the moment over the last few months. And we’ve had some really, REALLY great moments!

We’ve been to Virginia & Florida, spent a lot of time with family, started school, started gymnastics, started football. We’ve run practically non-stop since the first of July, and we’ve loved it.

Right this very moment, however? The non-stop of it all is catching up with me. I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally. I’m overwhelmed, trying to keep my head above water. Classes, work, home, the kids, PTO stuff, I’m juggling a million little balls, and am scared to death I might drop one or two. Some of them are glass, and if they fall, they could shatter into a million irreparable pieces.

Luckily, most of them would just bounce, a few might dent a little, but the majority would survive the fall. The thing is, I don’t want to drop them. I love things about each of those balls I’m juggling, it’s why I picked them up to begin with.

This is the season that I am in, I guess. As we transition from the easy days of summer to the full days of fall, it’s just going to be harder. Certainly until I get back to a point where I can find my rhythm.

Because those balls in the air? They’ll stay that way, with the right rhythm.

First Day of School, First Impressions

Today was our first day of school. I celebrated by promptly screwing up the bus schedule, and as a result, had to drive my brand new middle-schooler to school.

He was up & dressed, teeth brushed and bag packed in plenty of time. We were hanging out outside, snapping a few photos when the bus went by at the end of our road. Our Wednesday schedule results in students having a later start time than the rest of the week, allowing for collaborative teacher meetings. For the elementary kids, school starts an hour later. For the secondary kids, it’s only 45 minutes. I assumed it was the same hour, thus  the missing of the bus. Oops.

After I got him safely delivered to school, I returned home, sent my husband off to work, checked on the elementary kids (and verified their bus schedule!) and then uploaded a photo from my phone to my Facebook, sharing his “First Day of School” image with friends and family.

It was then that I noticed his shirt.

He’s a Minecraft fan, and we picked up several t-shirts featuring Creepers a few weeks ago. I assumed one of those would be his first day shirt.

I was wrong.

Today, my son wore his St. Baldrick’s shirt.

His first day in a new, much bigger school, his first chance to make impressions on potential friends and his new teachers, and he quietly made the statement that Childhood Cancer Sucks.

He’s got a gold ribbon on his bag, too. (It’s right under that Chewbacca. Chewie stayed home though.)

It’s enough to burst my heart from my chest. That boy will make waves in the fight against childhood cancers. I’m proud to be his mom.

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Gamers Giving Back–Mario Marathon 6

Guess what tomorrow is?!

My kids and I are SO excited – Mario Marathon is back for a sixth year raising money for Child’s Play Charity. Child’s Play raises money to provide games, gaming consoles, movies and more for over 70 children’s hospitals around the world, bringing a little joy to kids facing challenging situations.

Mario Marathon is independently run by a group of friends who play the Mario series of games live online and generally do silly things in the name of supporting Child’s Play. Donations go directly to Child’s Play – these guys spend their own money, use their vacation time, give up hours of sleep, sanity and time with their families to support the great work of Child’s Play. The 5 previous events have raised nearly $350,000 (and if you count their Zelda event in 2008, they’ve hit that!), which is amazing.

If you ever hung out with your friends playing Mario in somebody’s basement, you have a pretty good feel for what MM is like. So, you’re officially invited to come hang out with the gang! If you’re so inclined, feel free to donate -you can even do that from right here!

If you’re on other social media, give the gang a shout out. We’ll all be tweeting with the #MarioMarathon tag, and you can tweet @MarioMarathon. You can also find them on Facebook.  Hope to see you there!

Mario Marathon 6 begins Friday, June 21st at 11:00am EST at MarioMaration.com

The Truth Behind the “OVEL”

It started out being part of a normal, every day, mundane task. I was washing up a few dishes, standing at the sink, when it caught my eye.

I’m not sure why it did, just then. It had been there forever, a fact verified by the layer of dust across it. I’d stood there at the sink, peeking out that same window countless times. It was always there. I just didn’t notice it anymore.



I was perplexed by it at first. It was familiar, and yet, it was “off” – I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was… Four beads. Letters. O. V. E. L. The E was even backwards. Covered in dust, neglected. Hanging in the window, obviously meant to shine, it now looked meaningless and out of place.
And then I took it down. I rinsed the strand of beads in the water, dried it off gently to not break the string. I slid the L back to it’s rightful spot. And I smiled.

Because in that moment, I found love.

Our daughter had strung those beads a few years ago. The E was still backwards – it was an imperfect love, but it was love just the same. And once I put a little effort into it, it shone and glistened again in the sunlight.



I put it back in that sunny spot on the kitchen window. It’s my intention to keep it shining, glowing with it’s colors. But it was reassuring to know that, even if it had been neglected a bit, just a little work had made it imperfectly beautiful again.

Here’s to always finding the love you may have forgotten was there. Here’s to taking a few minutes to make it shine brightly as part of your every day. And here’s to knowing that it’s not meant to be perfect, but that doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for you!

~Linked this one up with PYHO with Shell at Things I Can't Say... Check out some of the other amazing posts...