Pity Party

I’m having a bit of a pity party today. Part of me even has the audacity to feel guilty over my pity party, because really, in the grand scope of things, my stuff is pretty trivial.

But the “my” stuff isn’t really “my” stuff at all. It’s bigger than me, and not something I have a lot of control over, or say in. I’m just along for the ride, and right now the ride SUCKS.

So many of my friends are hurting over so many different things. Last week involved 2 different kids being diagnosed with cancer. This week includes some big changes where a number of my friends work. There are huge, scary, lingering unknowns out there for all of these folks, and I’m hurting and frightened for them. I want to fix things, and make it all be better, and I can’t. And I hate it.

I want to look each of them in the eye and say “It’s all going to be fine!” but you can’t do that. You don’t know that. It’s scary, and overwhelming, and consuming me from the inside.

I’ve cried a lot today. I’ve also had a 3 Musketeers and a Cherry Coke. I’ve used about a million tissues, and undoubtedly look like something even the cat wouldn’t bring in. And none of that is going to change anything. None of that is going to help any of the people who are hurting, and who need some support, or answers, or whatever they need. It’s certainly not making me feel better. But it seems to be all that I can do right now. Cry.

So, I’m going to push on for now. That’s all I can do. Be thankful for the good in my life, do my best to hold up my friends, and push on. What else is there, right?

Tapestry

I can’t even find the right ways to say it.

It’s the circle of life. A life begins, another ends, it’s how it works.

Right now, though? Those I see ending are so young. It’s so tragic.

Yesterday, as we gathered around our tables, a family gathered around and wept at the tragic loss of a little boy, barely more than a toddler.

Last night, a sweet baby girl came into the world.

For many months now, I’ve prayed for Ian, the oldest child of Alison. He’s been battling cancer, and recently completed his course of treatment. Alison is due to deliver any time, but dampening that joy is the knowledge that her 4 year old nephew’s time is short, as he is losing his battle against (a different) cancer.

My sister-in-law apologized for store-bought cookies at our gathering, as she spent the day before with the family of a young lady as they laid her to rest.

The loops, the threads weaving in and out. I know it is all part of the tapestry, that there is a design far larger and more beautiful than I can see from this seat. My view of this portion of the loom is so small in relation to the whole piece.

I just wish that the threads could be longer. It’s the short threads that leave the frayed ends.

Interrupted

I started this post a few weeks ago… Unfortunately, much of the basis of the post continued to stare me in the face, and I didn’t finish it. Here’s what I had at that point :

Adversity.

Merriam-Webster defines it as  : a state, condition, or instance of serious or continued difficulty or adverse fortune.

We’ve all faced it on many varying levels.

Sometimes, it’s something small at work, sometimes it’s something big. Other days it’s a personal challenge.

And sometimes?

It’s all of the above.

Sometimes, it’s a tax season working with an IRS that has systems so backwards that they don’t know what to do.

Sometimes, it’s family members facing health issues, and you know that time is slipping away faster than you’re ready for it to.

It’s hard, when you’re used to being able to just fix it. When you have always been able to make it better. And now? When it’s all beyond your control, and you can’t fix it?

It breaks you.

It breaks your heart.

I’m glad I didn’t finish it. Instead, what I did was tweet out, and Facebook out, and I asked for prayer. In some places, I had to be a bit cryptic about my request – much of this story is not mine to share, and I did not want to overstep lines. Despite that, many of you replied that you were praying. I prayed.

And you know what?

God is still in the business of answering prayer.

That’s pretty sweet.

It’s not over yet – the challenges we were staring down just a few weeks ago are still there, but they aren’t nearly as intimidating as they were. Instead of rapid declines, we’re seeing steady ascension. Positive movement, positive attitudes, positive spirits.

Just a few weeks ago, I sat at this keyboard broken. My spirit crushed, my heart heavy. Today, I am renewed, refreshed.

And I am grateful – I am grateful to all those who stopped and prayed, who lifted me and my needs up. So grateful.

Thank you.